[ Contents | Search | Post | Reply | Next | Previous | Up ]
From: Ellen-Marie Silverman
Date: 20 Oct 2008
Time: 09:15:57 -0500
Remote Name: 205.188.117.14
[[Happiness will start with acceptance. Accepting your situation, your shortcomings and potentials. This is not easy especially if you feel disadvantaged at an important area of your life.]] Hello, Nancy. Thank you for your interest in my paper. As hard as I try to be responsive to comments and questions about it, it is difficult for me to judge the accuracy and meaningfulness of what I write. Only you will know that, so I will reply to your comments and questions, and if I my responses seem "off," please feel free to ask a follow-up question or two (but remember the Conference shuts down in 2 days!). Well, let's consider the meaning of acceptance. For many, it usually means settling, something to the effect that the situation or oneself is unchangeable and "That's that." But seeing a situation or oneself as unchangeable is not seeing the situation or oneself realistically. What we need to do is stop our activity, calm our mind, sit still, and take a quiet look at what concerns us --- as wide and broad and deep a look as we can. Then, suspending judgment about what we see, recognize that, "All right. This is what is before me?" This is at the core of doing what I need to do to experience the happiness I can. The next step is to ask ourselves, "What do I need to do? What can I do about it?" because we can always do something to continue our walk on the Path of Happiness. It is not necessary and is generally foolhardy to shrug our shoulders and respond, "Nothing. That's that." Nothing is ever final unless we think it is so. For example, someone who has been the victim of domestic abuse and recognizes the perpetrator is unlikely to reform would not be helping herself by concluding, "Well, that's that. I just have to bear it." You and I both know she needs to leave the situation and start a fresh, new life for herself. She would help herself by exiting as soon as possible after consulting with personnel at a women's shelter or with people manning a domestic abuse hotline, etc. Even in such a dire circumstance, there is the possibility of change and happiness. >>> If, in fact, we find it impossible to leave a circumstance that is causing us agony, say, for example, quit a job where our supervisor behaves like a tyrant because we need the income and have no other job options at present, then we need to quietly investigate what we can change about the workplace and what we can change about our response to the workplace to make us happy while we are there. And, of course, we need also to begin investigating other job possibilities which would include deterining which skill-set updates we may have to make to become competitive. >>> By the way, I prefer the word "surrender" to "acceptance" when looking at ways to be happy within my circumstances. Surrender, to me, means taking a full, clear assessment of what actually is, i.e., clear seeing, and then deciding what to do about it to be safe and happy. Acceptance, to me, has the connotation of, "Well, that's that. That's just the way it is. Can't do anything about it. I'll just have to grin and bear it, I guess." And, frankly, what is may be challenging, but all that means is that it challenges us to consider what we can do about it. If we do nothing, "it" won't likely become more to our liking. In fact, "it" will likely become more grim and difficult. So, we need to identify our options and chose those which will help us become safe and happy. >>> When it comes to relating to ourselves, it is important to remember we are so much more than we seem. We are more than our social status, more than our jobs, more than our house, more than our car, more than our college degrees . . . we are human beings with potential and goodness. That is who we are. Our choices and behaviors, some of which we may regret, are behind us, and that is where they stay. Castigating ourselves for having made what we consider to be mistakes only holds us back. We have the capacity and ability each and every instant to do what we need to do, even if that means seeking help to fill in our knowledge and skill gaps and provide the support we need as we become happier and happier. >>> Now, you didn't mention dealing with stuttering problems. But I did in "Happily Ever After." So, if you want to get my take on how to incorporate working to resolve a stuttering problem with walking the Path of Happiness, please take another look at the paper. All best wishes to you, Nancy. Ellen-Marie Silverman