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From: Scott Palasik
Date: 05 Oct 2010
Time: 13:10:54 -0500
Remote Name: 131.95.172.211
Elissa, Thank you for your response and for sharing the link to the article you wrote. It sounds like you have many valid thoughts about stuttering that come from your experiences growing up (with your brother) and with your daughter Charlotte. After reading your last post and the article in Brain, Child it seems like (and please correct me if I'm wrong because I hate to assume anything) you are struggling with a lot of thoughts. I guess, to dig a little deeper, if I asked you what do you fear with respect to "stuttering" what would you say? I ask this because stuttering has a lot of unknowns to it, doesn't it? It has unknown origins, unknown ways of treatment that helps, and it effect each person in its own way. Yet, we know what we have seen (for you it was your brother, the struggles he went through and may still along with your experiences with Charlotte). This is kind of like life? Tomorrow (the future) is truly unknown, and the past (our experiences) is something we can learn from, however holding on to the past keeps up from living, right now. Does that philosophy take away struggles we observe in others? Of course not, however it may allow us to focus more on what we can to do, today... Quick story (I like to share with people who are willing to share with me, like yourself), when I was a new speech therapist in a school around Chicago I had a parent come in and say "I want you to fix this stuttering thing so my child can be a doctor or lawyer. His stuttering will impede on his ability to talk with patients or talk in a court room." I smiled, felt the passionate love the parent had for her child and asked "How old is your son?" She responded without missing a beat, "He is five!"...I smiled again and asked, "What does he like to do, for fun?" She paused for a moment, seeming to struggle with the question. She then said, almost questioning herself "Homework." We then discussed her son. We talked about what he is like, we talked about how he enjoys playing outside, playing with his sister, soccer, video games. The point was this mother keep focusing on a future that hasn't happened yet, focusing on parts of her child caused her pain, and wasn’t focusing on the child as he was, right now, in the present. She (like yourself) was a wonderful advocate for child. She lost focus that for a moment of "her son" because she was seeking answers that are unknown, just like the future. We set some goals for him and her to work on talking about stuttering, working on sitting with her frustrations (allowing herself to have thoughts, any thoughts about stusttering). She is a wonderful mother (like you and like my mother). This is where "chronic sorrow" comes in to play. For not just parents of child who stutter, also for any parent of a child with any difference. The chronic sorrow may not be "sadness", it maybe the idea of "fearing something we have no control of", the lack of control of being able to "fix", not being able to "stop", not being able to "protect", a child from pain, from teasing, from emotional struggles (struggles that you saw your brother experience)...Maybe...These are just thoughts, observations, nothing more or less. They are not judgments AT ALL about you, just thoughts I wanted to share from my personal experiences with my own stuttering (which I still stutter moderately), my own parents, and families and children I have counseled throughout the years. I would like to encourage you, if you want to, to ask anything else, you want, express what you want, continue this conversation. I enjoy these conversations because I try and learn as much as I can from all parents, children, and people. Your thoughts are valid, all thoughts are valid in relation to our experiences and point of view. The hardest thing for us as humans (I struggle with this still, as most people may) is to realize that the world is full of colors. This may sounds cliché however I believe, if we could see that we are not always right and we are not always wrong, and we have thoughts that we can choose to be flexible with, we might find we can be open to others people’s thoughts as well as be flexible with our own thoughts. Coming from a home where my father was abusive, I've learned that the only reason why I held on to anger to him (for many years until he died this past April) was because my ego was holding on to the idea that "I am right and he is wrong." I realized I can't have forgiveness of others (or of him) and myself without letting go the idea that the world is not full of ONLY "rights" and "wrongs." One question (if you will allow me too), about your brother, what does he do for a living and how has stuttering effected him and the choices he has made in life?... Again thank you very much for your response. Your honest and open thoughts are welcome here....with compassion and welcoming kindness, Scott